I started this blog in 2019. I had decided I was ready. Ready to tell the world about you. That is until I started typing and you got into my head…..and I decided I was not. I have come to the conclusion that I have known about you my entire life. I am sure I called you different names. At times I am certain I didn’t have a clue how to describe you. But you, you have always been there. I learned early on how to hide you. I learned early on that you shouldn’t be a part of me, yet you never seemed to leave. You cause me to doubt myself, you cause me to worry about things that are not relevant, you cause me to go days without sleeping. Yet, I have learned to smile and tuck you away when needed. You anxiety have literally been my enemy my entire life. One would think by now that you would have grown tired of being such a nuisance, but have shown time after time again that you never run out of steam. Guess what neither do I. You have truly met your match in me, even though I have no clue which one of us is winning we have went so many rounds in this ring called life.
Why would I even bring you up? My entire life I have learned not to mention you out loud. I am a black woman. A warrior. A survivor. I am strength. I have been through more in my 41 years of life than most people will have gone through in multiple life times. I hear you in the back of my mind “why would you right on such a public forum about your weakness?” Well I am learning that what makes one weak can also make one strong. I am convinced that in a past life I was Athena the godess of war. There is no other explanation as to how I am still standing, still fighting, still climbing, still breathing. I am a woman who is strong, yet I have weakness I never speak of. A weakness that makes me feel as though I will never be good enough. A weakness that I don’t speak of because I never want anyone to feel I am incapable of delivering superior results. Anxiety you rear your ugly head so deep in my subconscious that not even my therapist knew you existed. Not even she could get me to talk about you. Boy oh boy we have learned to play an amazing game of hide and go seek. If it were up to you every thought in my head would be negative. I have learned to speak positivity into the atmosphere, because if I don’t I will allow you to drown me in self doubt.
At times you cause me to fear where I am in life. You make it hard for me to celebrate my accomplishments. Like if I speak too many good things out loud they will go away, or if I celebrate my wins too much I could make a wrong move and lose it all. There it is, make a wrong move. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing, I have to strive to be perfect. I don’t ever want to have to relive my past struggles. There is no room for error Quiana. Don’t speak about your dreams out loud, don’t speak about your goals out loud, you may just taint them. That’s her. That’s her thoughts she puts in my head. I worry when my children arent in my presence, I think of all the would ifs in this world. I pray silently in my head multiple times a day, because I know that everything isn’t in my control. There are times I stay up and can not sleep. This is when she is at her strongest. Using my mind like her personal play ground. Yet when you see me you would never know. I have put a great deal of work on myself to hide her.
Do I know I am not perfect and never will be? Yes I know that. Do I know I can not keep my children in a bubble, they have to be able to explore and make their own mark on life? Yes I know that. She has also has a way of reminding me. Yet I don’t want to give her too much credit. Because even though she tries her best to bury me. I plant myself and use the dirt she throws on me to grow. See what she doesn’t realize is I am the tree that weathers the storm. I am the rainbow that came after the rain. I am the sunlight that removes the shawdows in the darkness. I am the warrior that will never cease to get back up. I am the underdog that came out triumphant. I am the rose that grew from the concrete. Yes she is a part of me, but she is not me. She does not control me. She may cause me to stumble sometimes but I get stronger every day. Yes she is a part of me….but anxiety is NOT ME.
I wrote this truth tonight for anyone that may struggle with anxiety. You are not alone. You are not weak. You are more than enough. Positive things can happen in your life. It isn’t too good to be true. It is ok to be happy. Do not let anxiety take another minute, another second away from you. Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is ok to celebrate your wins.