Yes the title is accurate. After all of these years of focusing on my children and my career, I have fallen in love, and believe it or not it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, yet one of the most rewarding.
Why was it scary? Falling in love is beautiful, right? Yes it is, beyond beautiful. However, when you have been single for as many years as I have, giving a part of yourself to someone that you have no control of them breaking is scary. See for so many years my focus was on children and my career. My children whom I birthed, who needed and depended on me, who I love more than myself, who always have been by my side, right, wrong, or, indifferent. My offsprings that I would die for that love is safe, and sacred. Then there is my career. My career that I have worked hard for, sacrificed for, my career that rewarded my hard work. My career that has metrics to measure performance, and a clear promotion path that I can see. My children and my career have been my constant. I thank God for them every day.
I have been extremely vocal about being a single mother with a full time career. The highs, the lows, the struggles, the blessings. Not only has this been my voice, it has been a huge part of my sole existence. I didn’t think much about a relationship, because the truth is between my children and my career my time was extremely limited, or it least that’s what I told myself. I don’t have time, I move too much, sometimes it’s hard for others to accept my work ethic, and success. These were things I told myself, so that I never became too attached if I were dating.
Then my King came into my life, completely unexpected. He awoke something in me that I didn’t even know existed. He is loving, caring, supportive, affectionate. He is everything I wanted in another human, yet I was afraid to admit. I remember trying to guard my heart. I remember thinking “what if he breaks my heart?” Could I really cope with my emotions being all over the place if that happened? The fear of the unknown is hard. Yet the regret of not taking a risk was even harder. Then there was the elephant in the room….social media. I share a lot on my platforms, and I promised to be authentic, and keep it real, but did I want to share this part of my life? Self-sufficient, independent, those have been two words that have easily described me. Would that change if I shared this part of my life? What if it doesn’t work out? What if it’s too good to be true? What if I’m not good for him? What if I’m too hard to love? So forth and so forth.
The day I finally decided to share my happiness with my platform, I remember feeling a bit scared, a bit uneasy, then I remembered the quote tattooed on my back. “What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” This is what I stand for. Being bold, being unapologetic, fighting through fear. How could I not share that I am in love? How could I not share that I am happy, like truly happy. When I see him my soul comes alive. When he holds me I feel safe. Even though I know I can do it on my own, it is such an indescribable feeling to know that I don’t have to. I was worried falling in love would cause me to lose myself, or sacrifice the things that are important to me….but in fact, it did the opposite. I have discovered parts of myself I didn’t know existed. I feel so secure in myself and in us because he supports me. He is so patience with me that he has taught me to be patience with myself. I love him irrevocably, and instead of being concerned about all the what ifs, I am learning to live in the moment with him and being ok with giving the most vulnerable part of myself to him (my heart.) knowing he has the ability to break it, but hoping and praying he does not. This evolution in my life is called happiness and bliss and being bold with enjoying it.
I share all of this to say, if you are self-sufficient don’t be afraid of loving and being loved. Although it can be scary, it is ok to let someone in, because you may just discover this journey in life is so much sweeter when you can share it with someone else.