How are you surviving?

My dear friend of so many years one of the few people that know me inside and out. One of the few that know the storm I’ve been fighting for the past few years asked me a question that floored me. Left me speechless caused me to think.

I usually get asked “how do you do it?” That five word question I’m use to and I can answer without thinking. I’ve rehearsed and acted out that answer so many times I can do it in one breath. “How do I do it?” It’s simple “I just do. For me there is no other choice. And failing is not an option.” “How do I do it?” That five word question almost 99.9 percent of the time is asking, how do I make it as a single mom with a full time career and still have hair on my head.

But “how are you surviving?” Completely different question and seeing as she knows me….my typical answer I knew wouldn’t suffice. How am I surviving? When one of my off springs are fighting the biggest battle to date in their life. Which consequently means I’m fighting the biggest battle to date in my life. It doesn’t matter how old our children get they are forever our children and we are forever their parents. But…..back to the question. A question I have NEVER been asked and one I never knew I’d dread being asked until she asked it.

So…..how am I surviving? Some days I’m just numb I feel nothing. Other days I’m so alive, full of vigor, humbleness, energy. Sometimes I’m angry, no not angry pissed! How could my child be going through this? I’ve worked hard, provided for them and still do, sacrificed for them, kept them in the best school districts even though years ago ensuring they lived in a good school district and went to the best schools had me living pay check to pay check. Back then I was barely able to put on the table, but I never gave up. I knew my hard work would pay off one day. I sacrificed so that hopefully they wouldn’t have to. I sacrificed because I wanted and want to always give them the best opportunity possible. I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never spent necessity money on partying, everything in my life from the second I became a mother became about my children. When you do this as a parent your children are suppose to grow up and make great decisions, and live a life far more grand than you ever have. It least that’s what I was told….So yes knowing my child is fighting a battle that I can’t bail him out of makes me angry at times. Knowing that my child is fighting for his life over something he did not do pisses me off. Other times. Other times I’m just sad. Sometimes I just sit in my bedroom and cry, and pray and cry some more. This child of mine has went through all the hard times. He has went through the ramen noodles for lunch and chicken every night for dinner because it’s all I could afford back then. And he, he never complained. I remember he told me one day “mama you work hard and things are going to get better for us. I know they are you just have to believe it.” He is that child to me. My other children may miss it but not him, he has always been intuitive to my emotions. Doesn’t matter how hard I would try to put on a brave face he could see through it, if I was having a bad day and he would do everything in his power to console me. You were right son. The hard work payed off in such a great way! The financial struggles have disappeared but not having you here is taking us all through an emotional war I know we weren’t prepared to fight, but we are fighting it and we are all going to get through with the victory. You will make it through this with the victory.

How am I surviving? Some days I don’t know. Some days are harder than others. As I write this on my back patio drinking a cup of coffee, I look at the flowers falling off my tree in my yard. I wonder if the tree is in pain, but I’d have to guess not. The tree I’m certain knows it’s fall and it has to shed so that it may grow new flowers in the spring. How fitting is that for life, sometimes it’s our season to shed. Sometimes it’s our season to walk through a storm and blessings all at the same time. But just like the tree survives and produces new fruit when it’s it’s time….so shall we. I survive because I know storms don’t last always. There is always a sliver lining in every situation if you look hard enough, your faith is stronger than any battle and is the strongest armor of weaponry you have. Use it it will never fail you. How do I survive? I try to feel every emotion, but at the same time not let every emotion consume me. I come to terms with things and then do everything in power to make the outcome favorable. How am I surviving? I know I’m blessed beyond measure, I was built to bend and not break, and honestly I survive because I have family and friends that love me and my children immensely and that is priceless.

So How am I surviving? Just like the tree there is a season for everything. My mind is conditioned to go through the storms because the root of my heart and soul are endless.