Life in the single lane.

I promised you all honesty and rawness. Being a single mom with a full time career is rewarding, tiring, humbling, and at times exhausting. We live in a world where people can’t afford to wear their heart on their sleeve. At times being a woman of color and being successful can almost be a double edge sword. Theres the myth that succesful women especially women of color  feel they “don’t need a man” can I please just throw that myth away and light fire to it. I don’t care what color you are, how successful you are, we are humans and we are designed for companionship.

I have a tough exterior. I have to. I’m raising Kings and Queens, but I won’t lie there are some nights I come home and I crave adult conversation. Someone to kiss me when I walk through the door and say “babe how was your day.” Yes sounds so simple and silly but it’s those moments I long for. I probably shouldn’t admit that right…. We live in a world where you aren’t suppose to cry if you get heartbroken, we catch flights not feelings right? You shouldn’t fall in love so quick….I don’t quite remember what amount of time you should wait to love but I know someone, somewhere, in some book, or some social media page gave us the amount of time it should take before we fall in love. For it to be official you two have to be posted up on social media (nothing is wrong with have your relationship on social media. However nothing is wrong if you don’t either) and on and on. CAN WE PLEASE JUST STOP WITH THE FUCKING RULES! I love love, I love to give and recieve love. I love to love with no boundaries, no rules, however I also have the flaw of being able to walk away from love. I’ve been hurt enough that I come to realize every moment isn’t forever and I’m ok with that….which in return means I rarely ever put up a fight to salvage a realtionship.

Then there’s the talk about income. I didn’t realize the amount of intimidation that comes when you are a successful woman. I guess in my head I think it should be a huge plus to be with a woman who can build, that is capable of investing with you, that doesn’t need you financially. In a world full of people who would rather buy luxury cars, the latest sneakers, and diamonds, but have yet to understand the importance of investing, 401k, a great credit score….its easy to get lost in the sauce. Shouldn’t a woman that is succesful and not caught up on materialistic things be a huge bonus???

Or maybe I need to be more approachable. For those that know me, they see a different side of me, however I am at times a serious person. I also guard my energy, so I’m not for everyone. I learned through trial and error to stay exclusive. Everyone doesn’t deserve my energy. Maybe that’s the problem maybe I’m a bit too exlusive…or not.

Someone asked me whats my type and this may sound cliché but I don’t really have a type. I trust the vibe, I trust energy. The man thats quite and isn’t overly friendly will always catch my eye before the loud, flashy, talkative man. Other than that I’m a 38 year old succesful woman who doesn’t have a type….oh shit does that make me extremely awkward? Fuck! probably!

Then there’s the fact that I don’t mind being single. I”m truy an introvert and extrovert it just depends on my mood. I just want to keep it simple. Lets travel, laugh, invest, own, and understand each other. Lets make each other better. Lets have loyalty before we fall in love. Lets not live by any rules, let our spirits guide us. I don’t want a conventional relationship, I want something with someone who doesn’t need a title unless we choose to give it one. Will I ever marry again? I’d like to or maybe not….maybe I’d just like to grow old with someone. I don’t have the answer to that. What I do know is this. companionship is important, and the wiser I get the more I realize success is nothing without someone to share it with.

So at this moment in my life…being single completely and utterly sucks. Yet its freeing, and liberating to get to know and love myself. I’m ok with being single. I’m not ok with wasting my time or jumping into something just to do it….I’m not on a time clock, but shit I need to it least start dating……….

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