Did you read the title? O.M.Fing.G!!! I probably should of titled it dating in my 40s seeing as the last chapter of my 30s ends in roughly 6 months. This has to be some of the roughest waters to navigate through . Then to add on top of it being a successful black female although you think that would be a plus…at times it can be a negative. I never knew success could be so intimating.

So here I am 39 and dating. You’d think dating men in my age pool that things would be simple. Holy hell they ARE NOT. What to wear on a first date, is there even a need to call it a first date???? You know what…. the hell with first dates. Let’s meet on a dating app and chat back and forth multiple times. It least that way we have the chance to even see if we are mildly compatible. I don’t want to do the awkward first date thing. Or maybe that’s the problem. Maybe awkward first dates are where it’s at……or not. I need a glass of wine 🍷 just writing this.

Then there’s the navigating through the land of broken hearts. See when you’re in your 30s the odds of you not having your heart broken a time or two, or three or twenty….well its slim to none. When you’re dating in your 30s the odds of meeting someone who hasn’t had their trust abused is slim to none. Those waters can be rough for both parties. Welcome to the dinner table of trying to read in between the lines. Welcome to the dinner table of indecisiveness. Welcome to the dinner table of trust has to be earned because it damn sure isn’t given. Welcome to the dinner table of “I never want to marry again.” Welcome to the dinner table of you remind me of my ex. Welcome the dinner table where bullshit is normal and honesty is rare. I don’t want to sit at this table……I hate it here 😂

Then there’s this age. I’m 39 I’m not old….but I’m also not in my naive 20s either. But uh yeah I could date your son or your daddy….it’s just a joke but I could. Now smile for goodness sakes. So there’s this age pool right, one where you would think men would know who they are and what they want. But I’m learning age doesn’t guarantee that. Humans have the right to find themselves at any age…..I just don’t want to go on every journey with them. I know women my age who are just as lost so don’t think for one second this is a blog bashing men because it very well so is NOT. But Geeze I have met more men in their 30s and 40s still trying to figure it out. So I’m quickly learning it’s not so much about dating in my same age pool in my 30s soon to be 40s as much as it is dating with men compatible with where I am in life. I’m not willing to have anymore children, I don’t club like I’m in my 20s, I’m not in a place where I want to navigate through grey areas. I like simple. Things are or they’re not…. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong! Dating in my 30s seem to lack simplicity. Maybe I’m dating the wrong people? Maybe or maybe I’m not dating at all….or maybe I’m dating too much, or maybe I’m about to start dating or maybe I’m done dating…..Confusing…. right. Welcome to dating in my late 30s

That title. That is the realm of parenting I have entered. It’s such a fine line in loving your children, but not spoiling them so much that they never develop tough skin. Such a fine line in giving constructive criticism, yet not ruining their self confidence. A fine line in being their parent and their friend. Oh shit did I just say friend? I did. I remember my parents telling me as I was growing up that they are my parent and not my friend. I try to tell my children I’m their parent 1st and their friend 2nd. Seeing as all my kids are now all adults or teenagers I’ve learned in this realm of parenting you do have to be their friend also.

But this realm of parenting is hard as hell. I remember when the five of them were little and their dad and I separated I would think to myself “I can’t wait for them to grow up.” Now I wish I could rewind time and know what I know now. How many things I’d do differently. How many moments I would cherish. Father Time however doesn’t have a rewind button just a play button. So here we are on this episode of me trying to split myself in a million directions that I didn’t know I needed to be in. Todays episode of “oh shit that was today?” Today’s episode of “Why did you wait til the last minute to tell me.” Today’s episode of “it’ll have to be take out tonight.” Today’s episode of “here’s money for that.” Today’s episode of “why do I have to ask you to do your chores?” Today’s episode of “let me go back to the store.”

This realm is beautiful. Watching them grow up, and become who they are meant to be. This realm is saddening watching them make mistakes that could change the course of their life. This realm is chaotic trying to help them make their dreams a reality. This realm is heartbreaking, going through hell with one child, while trying to help another attain their dream, while helping another child find them self, while celebrating the success of another. This realm is rewarding watching one child find their way and start making their own path. This realm requires me to be someone different for all of them, because they all are in different stages of their life. The realm is Beautiful Utter Complete Chaos.

This is the realm no one speaks about. This is the realm they forget to tell you about when you have more than one child. Who knew you could morph into so many different personalities depending on what child you are dealing with. Who knew you could cry tears of sadness for one child, while crying tears of joy for the next. Who knew you could be a therapist, a coach, a doctor, a chef all in one damn day. This realm is rewarding, this realm is hard, this realm is teaching me more lessons than I ever thought I could learn and this realm has proven to me that no matter what, I am have been and will always be their mother. This realm proves that love truly conquers all.